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I Heart Music

Siobhanne Beattie


Nonsenical conversation needs 2 things in order to manifest itself:

 The clock tolling somewhere between Midnight and 6am, and an unfathomable amount of alcohol consumed.

 We’ve all been there.

 Following a wild, and somewhat drunken night out, most of your friends have filtered back to yours where the drunkeness is fuelled with left-over Christmas booze (usually Lambrini) and conversation has moved from coherent chit-chat to slurred, heated debate……

 “Who’s in your Top Ten…??!!” usually sparks heated discussion over who tops the much-coveted No.1 slot. “Danni or Kylie…?” normally causes animated disagreement with regard to the Sisters Minogue. And, my personal favourite, “Who would play in your Fantasty Festival? How many stages would you have? Would you include dead bands?…..” The list of questions, and possibilities are endless. And, the room for creativity and opportunity for imagination to run riot, limitless.

I have found that this last topic of incoherent blather causes the most animated, creative, and excitable discussions yet amongst my drunk friends and I.

 So, without further a-do, I present to you, Fantasy Festival a-la-Me….!

Lovingly dubbed I Heart Music, it would, like most of it’s nature, be a 3 day event, showcasing an endless array of bands/artists of various backgrounds/styles appealing to most tastes…..a menu from which everyone can order, so to speak.

Staying true to my roots, I Heart Music would be held in Loch Lomond and would house around 10,000 live-music ‘junkies’. Tickets would not be available by telephone, internet or to those with credit card, instead, they would be distributed from selected HMV stores throughout the UK on a first-come, first-served, basis, thus allowing opportunity to stretch beyond those who are ‘packing plastic’ and promoting the sacred experience of ‘ticket queuing’.

Camp would resemble a gypsy-style community with a strict ‘Caravans Only’ policy, therefore eliminating the trauma that can only be encountered by use of a portaloo.

Food/drink would be of wide variety and free of charge – Mexican, Chinese, Italian, Fish ‘N’ Chips…..!

And now, to the most important part, The Music………..

The Sisterhood Stage would boast an impressive line-up of today’s feistiest femme fatales……the bootyshaking of Beyonce, the innovation of GaGa, the tongue ‘n’ cheek of Lily Allen, the attitude of Pink, and, the California ‘phroawr!’ of Katy Perry.

The Sisterhood Stage is a celebration of womanhood, reinforcing feminism in our female festival-goers, and giving the guys an excuse to salivate!

The ‘Back From The Dead’ Stage is designed exclusively for fantasy festivals, showcasing the best of bands who no longer rock our radio, but are forever on our iPods.

The death of singer, Ian Curtis, may have cut-short the career of Joy Division, and without it, we would never have had New Order, but at I Heart Music, Ian and his band are very much alive and would be dazzling the crowd with some of their biggest hits. The singalong to ‘Love Will Tear Us Apart’ would provide one of the weekend’s finest festival moments.

Jim Morrison and The Doors would also be ressurected for my fantasy festival, along with their 60s/70s era counterparts, The Beach Boys, and, of course, The Beatles.

Michael Hutchence’s untimely death in 1997 saw the end of INXS and scuppered my chances of ever seeing them play live. Devastating! However, I Heart Music has no rules of reality, so Michael and his band would of course be topping the bill of the festival, ressurected and more alive than ever!

Ray Davies has written some of my very favourtie songs and The Kinks would be the perfect wind-down for my festival.

The ‘Well, I Never….!’ Stage documents the reforms and reunions we NEVER thought we’d see.

Morrissey has publicly stated that he would rather ‘drink his own urine’ than play alongside former bandmate, Johnny Marr again.

At I Heart Music, however, their long-running feud is long-forgotten and The Smiths are reunited and play some of their biggest hits to my ecstatic gig-goers, giving me my dream of seeing one of my favourite bands ever play live.

The Libertines may have put their differences aside long enough to play a set at Reading/Leeds last summer, and at I Heart Music, they repeat the same fete and have the crowd bouncing along to ‘Don’t Look Back Into The Sun’, ‘Time For Heroes’, and, of course, ‘Can’t Stand Me Now’.

Pink Floyd have reportedly turned down big money offers to reform with the exception of 2005’s Live8.

At, I Heart Music, their feud is a thing of the past and they electrify their audience with their astounding back catalogue.

The ‘Revival’ Stage allows me to time-warp back to the era I was born but don’t remember. Duran Duran, Adam & The Ants, and, my guilty pleasure, The Pet Shop Boys would all be on the bill, taking their audience back to the 80s where sequins and lycra were in, and taste forgot!

Finally, The ‘Contemporary Collection’ would stage my favourite current bands/artists of today. Eminem, The Killers, Paolo Nutini, Muse,  U2, Amy MacDonald,  The Black Eyed Peas, Kasabian and Amy Winehouse…….the list is endless, and the versatility impressive.

And, of course, no festival – fantasy or otherwise – would be complete without a Silent Disco, where the playlist is chosen by yours truly, of course. Available within the caravan campsite 24/7 so you’re free to dance your backside off, day or night, whenever the notion may take you.

Speaking of dance, Sunday Night would signal the end of I Heart Music and would come to a close with a Guilty Pleasure danceathon – cue LOTS of drunk festival revellers shaking their money-maker to ‘The Time Warp’, amongst others.

It’s amazing what a combination of 4am, incoherent friends, and an almost overdose of 2-4-1 Cocktails can fuel your imagination to create!